Monday, December 4, 2006

Zeke Terwilliger

I have just returned from the future with this classified information about a new project...
By Zeke Terwilliger
Fahrenheit Host

Father Terwilliger and I will have a conversation in June, four years from now. I was just there, so don't make a face, or shake your head in disagreement! We will discuss father's childhood, when he entered movie theaters with other teenage young men with the express intent to cause mischief.


I will share with father Terwilliger that I, too, recalled the time when I roamed the streets of NYC with other young men--mostly out of sexual frustration--to frolic in the chaos of minor property damage and ridicule of starchy, ostentatious, or remarkable pedestrians. He will reveal the design of the fart machine that he produced with his friends; it consisted of the wooden department store handles that his and other mothers in mid-20th century NYC outer-boroughs stored in cupboards for later use in gift wrapping. Other integral components were rubber bands, and metal washers. The rubber bands were cut and strung through the washers, then retied to the wooden handle; the washer was wound many times to create tension that, when released, emitted the familial flapping noise, ergo, fart simulacrum.

The fart machine operator would hold the tightly strung contraption in place and sit on it in a chair, preferably in a public place where people are quiet (e.g. movie theater, library, courtroom, etc.) At the operator's discretion, one may ease off the seat and produce a slow, oozing fart noise or rise quickly, which emits a machine gun blast. Father Terwilliger will use a nostalgic tone of grandeur; he will luxuriate in the joy of that past, when he and his comrades orchestrated a symphony of flatulence by following an established cadence of setting off their individual fart machines. We will laugh--I will laugh longer and louder than he--and then I will become inspired to come back to 2006 and post this request for all who might be interested in developing this ancient technology that I discovered in the future with father Terwilliger. It's fucking hilarious, so laugh...NOW!!!

Soon, my film about last summer's covert project: SOAPBOX ARMY will emerge...Until that time, visit often, comment religiously, and stay human. (We need projects like this for the people, like a young woman I saw, who walked her cell phone on a leash while she held her dog up to her ear, and all of the EMO/SCREAMO or whatever this kind of ersatz punk music is that has no passion or substance.) There are many other problems to solve, but I'll address those at our next conference. Thank you for being there, where you are, right in front of my words.

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